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The separator bar.

use it.

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All sarcasm aside, there are a few things I wish customers knew about how I approach my job. The truth may shock you.

1. When I say “Hi. How are you?”, I’m actually expecting a response. That’s why I chose to say something that ended in a question mark.

2. Your jokes aren’t funny. For example, Me: ”Your total is $19.60" You:1960!? What a good year!

3. If you ask me where something is (assuming I actually answer you instead of pretending I didn’t hear you), I probably lied just to get you to go away. I never move from my square foot of space, how would I know where things are located?

4. If the barcode on your item doesn’t ring up, just be semi-convincing when I ask you how much the item was. That’s all the motivation I need to not do a price-check. Seriously, just lie. It makes it easier for me, and your wallet.

5. When I have nobody at my register, and I look over to you and say “I can help you over here…” that’s not actually an offer. It’s just a statement. “I can” does not translate to “I want to”. So for future reference, just stay in the line you’re already in. Even if your waiting behind 5 people. That way, I can continue to do nothing and get paid for it.

6. I don’t like to be called “miss”, “lady”, or “ma’am”. I’m only 17, you’re making me feel old. I prefer terms such as ”kiddo”, and/or “sexy b*tch”.

7. I will lie about anything to keep you from getting upset. Even when dealing with those small, trivial things. For example, You: "Is this on sale?" Me: "uhh..yeahh…". And yes, on occassion, I will ring up an expired coupon and not tell you that the register didn’t accept it. Since the register still beeps, you think it went through, when really, I just throw it away when you leave. I’ve learned to never get in the way of a customer and their coupon usage.

8. When the light above my register is not lit, my lane is closed. The lights aren’t there for decoration. On = open. Off = closed. And yes, I’m onto your little tricks. I’m fully aware that the second I turn around to bag someone’s stuff, you’ll sneak your boxes of cereal onto the belt while I’m not looking. This practically forces me to ring you out even though I’m supposed to be leaving.

9. Nothing makes me cringe more than when you stand at the end of my lane to look over your receipt. I’d prefer for you to stand somewhere else while looking for something to complain about. It makes me look less responsible for possible error.

10. Lastly, a rule of thumb: If you have nothing interesting to say, just stop talking. I won’t judge you or anything, even if you stop mid-sentence because it took you that long to realize that what you wanted to say wasn’t actually worth saying. I don’t really care that your son just ran out of Hot Pockets this morning, or that you “only came in for a few things, and ended up spending $100.” Don’t get me wrong, I like conversation, I just hate trying to come up with a response for these types of dead-end comments.

I’m glad I had this opportunity to ramble, and explain myself to you so you can better understand me as a person. But please, don’t return the favor. Chances are, I don’t care.

Answer
  • Question: What ever happened to paper bags? - Anonymous
  • Answer:

    We only use them upon request. Sometimes I hide them so people don’t ask for them. Bagging in paper takes 10x longer.

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Thanks, but no thanks. I got this whole bagging thing under control, don’t you worry about a thing. I have a system going here. I’d prefer for you to not direct me when I’m trying to place your purchases neatly into well-arranged bags. Your high-maintenance commands such as “don’t put heavy stuff in with the bread”, and “you should double bag that" are not appreciated, and only interrupt my technique. Just stop with the ridiculous bagging "suggestions" and let me do my own thing. I like to put the bananas beneath numerous boxes of cereal, and I think it’s effective to use the bread as a cushion for your excessive amounts of heavier, canned items. That way, the cans don’t make as much noise when you set them down because the bread acts as a nice pillow/shock absorber/sound muffler. It really flusters me when you get in the way of this carefully perfected bagging strategy. It makes me happy to put the ground beef in with your wife’s tampons. It’s just the way I like to do things, so please, stop making "suggestions" on how I should bag stuff. I mean, get real here. I obviously know what I’m doing. I take carefull precautions to ensure your groceries are protected. Don’t worry, your eggs are safe. I placed a liter of pop nicely atop your carton of eggs. That way, the pop could act as a shield against outside forces. Also, I do things like separate anything frozen/cold and put them in with the ordinary, room-temperature groceries. That way, they thaw by the time you get home and put them away, so your hands don’t get wet from the frost or condensation. Oh, the bleach. It’s in with the green beans. I know how filthy those vegetables can be, so i figured some leakage from the bleach would be a good thing. Yeah, I’m looking out for you. And asking me to double bag stuff? Super unnecessary. Grocery store bags are practically made of steel. I see no need to double-up on the bag holding 8 bottles of Gatorade. I think you just need to calm down and stop being so demanding. Maybe next time I’ll make ridiculous "suggestions" on how you should go about being a customer. I’ll request of you to do outlandish, unnecessary things too. I’ll say stuff to you like "pay before you leave" and "please, put your shirt back on”. The well-being of your groceries are my top concern. So please, just calm down. No need to worry. I got this.

p.s.: if you’re looking for the frozen meat, I put it in with the muffins. I know how much you hate it when the meats leak that funky, bloody meat juice. I figured the muffins would absorb any leakage.

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I’d like to take this space to express my appreciation for my uniform. The smock. It might just be my favorite ensemble. Allow me to highlight some reasons why you should rock the smock as often as I do.

  1. The fit. Smocks are great if you’re looking to flatter your hour-glass figure, or accentuate your wonderful woman-like curvatures. They fit to your body so nicely, it’s like it was custom made. It screams SEX.
  2. It’s like a vest, but bigger and better. The “elongated vest” style is a great approach to a work uniform. Short vests are too scandalous. It’s important to add more length in order to stay modest. Nobody wants a short-vested slut touching their groceries.
  3. It’s easy to rhyme. ie: “Don’t mock my smock or I’ll clean your clock.”, or the convenient example above: “rock the smock”.
  4. It’s great to just wear around if you’re not looking impress anyone. Not a soul.
  5. It’s so comfy, you could sleep in it. Because your smock is probably 3 sizes too large, it’s great for that impromptu nap across the conveyor belt that you’ve been daydreaming about.
  6. The pockets. The incredibly large, deep pockets are great. Conservatively sized pockets are over-rated. You should have to physically bend over in order to get something out of the bottom of your pocket.

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The Bare Minimum of Knowledge that Every Customer Should Possess. If you’re going to read my blog, it’s imperative that you know these things too.

Today’s Topic: Buy One, Get One Free.

1. If the phrase “buy one get one free” is applied to an item, you should probably just come to my register with one of this item. Not two.

  • [Customer: "I’m pretty sure this is buy one, get one free. Could you check it for me?"  Me: “yes…it’s buy one get one.” Customer: "oh. alright. What aisle is this in again? I should probably go back and get two."] I understand that planning ahead may be difficult on a Saturday morning. You wouldn’t want to over-prepare by picking up two. Especially if you’re only “pretty sure” it was on sale to begin with, so do take your time when wandering around back in the store like a lost dog while I finish ringing up your purchases. Ignore the signs above the lanes, too. Those may expedite your shopping experience. It’s not like there’s a line at my register.

2. Buy One Get one Free is shorthand.

  • If this is buy one get one free, but I just get one, is it free?" Yes, as a matter of fact, it is free. You get to choose whether you want to pay for it, or get it for free. The above phrase is derived from "buy one OR get one free" we just thought it would be more efficient to eliminate the OR so it would fit better on signs, and ads.

3. Ignore the signs concerning which items are on sale. Pick whatever you want. We’ll give you a second one free, because we care about our customers and their financial concerns.

  • The sign said the smaller container of these were Buy One Get One Free, but I want the bigger containers." Oh okay, no problem. It doesn’t really matter. The big, bold sign taking over the shelf is probably wrong. I mean, it has the same name so it’s close enough, right? Just buy the largest size you can find in bulk. After all, you only have to pay for one. I’ll just pretend I didn’t notice.

Study this and you’re one step closer to becoming my favorite customer.